I hate myself for loving him, while loving the other one.
Please don’t judge me, bet you’ll feel the same if you wear my shoes.
Oftentimes, my mind drifts away to his image out of the blue; our memories, together, whatever the weather. Something makes me regret while being thankful I did it. Totally insane.
Both are absolutely, completely different from each other; totally opposite.
He is gentleman, sometimes serious sometimes humorous, totally matured, responsible, likable, respectful, courteous, trustworthy, determined, down-to-earth, always compliments me, not a singer nor a dancer but he did it for me publicly, romantic in his own way, caring and sweet, most of all he loves me like no other man could ever do; he makes me feel special, important, and protected, a husband material I can say. Probably the best man I ever knew other than my dad, for more than two years that I’ve been with him.
The other he is also caring and loving, charismatic, humorous, a guitarist and a dancer, romantic in another way, dedicated to his friends, but I guess I am more matured than him, maybe it’s because he hasn’t gone to a serious and long term relationship before like I did; he never had a clue.
But sadly, I haven’t recognized and appreciated some about the first he until we broke up. We lost communication, didn’t we? I guess I was the one who avoided him. Hundred miles between us, so feelings then faded. I felt like I’ve lost a single piece of gold left present in the whole wide world. I just realized months after I did the mistake, and told myself I can’t do anything to change what happened. I was a jerk for not letting him have another chance to lighten up our spark again for the nth time. I decided while I’m emotionally confused, and I take that as a lesson learned.
The second he was so sweet and caring and like he was willing to do everything for me before, when he was still courting me. But when he got my nod, months later, it’s like no interest anymore. He made me feel like I am just a friend just like our circle of friends. We never had the time to bond, together, just the two of us. Always a group date, always with our friends. He couldn’t stand on his own. He doesn’t always hold my hand like I want him to, he doesn’t make me feel I’m a have-it girlfriend. I know, really, how he fought for me against his parents. I know how important I am to him. But sorry I just can’t feel it.
I was a jerk and still I am. I hate myself, really. I never intended to put myself into this kind of thing. I never wanted to be in this situation.
Hey I don’t want to compare. I am not biased, I just type here the truth. I love my present, trust me. I am not fooling him, but not fully because I still love the other one, :( I am so sorry. I don’t want the same thing to happen, the same thing I did as a mistake. I don’t want to be mistaken, for the nth time. If it’s meant to be, it will be. I guess I don’t have to worry, there are still a couple of years ahead of me. We are clueless of what”s going to happen, so I just leave everything in God’s hand. I want Him to choose who’s the best for me, that I’ll never regret giving my heart wholeheartedly.